Bittersweet

After getting that text, within the next few minutes (after we stayed calm enough for Ashlyn to blow out her candles and wish "to play in the grass!") we were on the phone with Elan's birthmom and one of the caseworkers. Yep, her water had broken and although she was progressing very slowly, we needed to get there quick because he was on his way! One thing I don't think I mentioned before was that a big part of his birthmom's birth plan was wanting to be absolutely sure that we would be there when he was born. She didn't want him to have to be alone in this world for even one minute--she wanted him to come straight to our family and be with us from even the first seconds of his life. Yes, she is selfless and amazing. 

So, knowing that, we went into crazy mode. Collin's mom and Morgan's family were awesome and cleaned up dinner and the kitchen and took care of the leftovers. We called my parents, who were luckily in town, and made sure it was ok that we dropped Ashlyn off with them on our way. I had to call someone to watch Lucy and someone else to play the organ for me the next day at church. We had absolutely no idea how long we'd be gone--we hadn't gotten to talking about any travel plans with the caseworker yet since we thought we still had a few weeks! So packing up for Ashlyn and ourselves for who knows how long, I really just threw whatever I could think of into bags. A side note, we had literally just gotten home from the swimming pool. Hadn't showered or anything. I had gross swimming hair and was in the sweats I had changed into at the pool. I didn't even take the time to change my clothes again! 

And remember how I mentioned that the one single project I had actually completed that week was Elan's birthmom's care package? I was saying my thankful prayers that I had gotten that done, because well, I needed it right then! 

So, about an hour and 20 minutes later, we had dropped Lucy off, sent the company off, gotten our stuff packed up, and were on the road. We were texting a few friends and our families to let them know what was going on, things like that. We had SO much adrenaline pumping, as you can imagine! Even Ashlyn seemed to sense that something exciting was going on. We thought she would fall asleep in the car with the long exhausting day she had had, but nope she was perky and chipper. I finally turned on a movie for her so we could have a chance to talk without her singing and shouting! 

Speaking of Ashlyn, I had mentioned that she might have a baby brother soon just a few times that week. I didn't want to be making a huge deal of it yet in case things didn't pan out, because she's old enough that she would notice. But I also was worried about springing it on her at the last minute! And here in the car we were headed to baby boy's birth, but of course still not knowing if this would work out for sure. I decided it would be better to try to prepare her than to not let he know, so I kept telling her that we were going to get her little brother. She was like, "Ok, cool. So when do we get to Grandma and Grandpa's house?" --all she cared about!! 

We met my parents at an exit in Idaho Falls and switched Ashlyn over to them. They gave us their GPS and a baby blanket my dad had gotten from someone earlier that week. I loaded up on Mountain Dew for both of us, and some sunflower seeds for Collin, and we sped off! 

It was almost a 6 hour drive to get to Polson, MT, where we were headed. I am a real baby about long car rides, I am not really a fan. I just get bored and feel claustrophobic. So besides all the other emotions, I was dreading the long trip ahead! And to top things off, I had forgotten my ipod, which is the only way to listen to music in the Camry since the CD player hasn't worked for about a year. We were heading into the middle of nowhere, so there were no radio stations. No music?! But we actually didn't end up missing it at all. We talked the whole time! There is really almost no civilization between Idaho Falls and a town Dillon, a couple hours south of Polson. So we were just driving down a pretty much deserted highway in pitch darkness. Saying our prayers! That time was actually really neat to have just me and Collin. We talked about tons of things, some serious, a lot not, just passing the time. 

We spent like 2 hours of that ride talking about names. We had originally always had a baby boy name picked out that we wanted for our first boy. But when we started talking, we found out that each of us, separately that week, had had some experiences where we were feeling like maybe that name wasn't the right choice for this baby. Weird! Luckily, one of the things I had thrown into the stuff I packed was a baby name book. We talked about so many names for a long time, and finally got it narrowed down to 3: Conner, Penn, and Elan. Collin REALLY wanted to just decide on Penn. But I insisted on keeping the 3 choices and waiting to meet him. I even wrote them down on a little paper and put it in my pocket. (my sweats pocket--again, we were so gross and dirty.)

All this discussion, and the big elephant hanging over our heads was, will this really work out? We were going out on the huge limb and racing to get there in time for this birth, but would she change her mind? Would she want more time to decide? Would the birthdad change his mind? And what about the baby? I was really starting to get myself nervous about that. We hadn't gotten medical records or history of any kind, and beyond knowing his gender, we didn't know if he might have any birth defects or health issues or whatever. This all seemed so perfect and easy, there must be a catch somewhere, right? So, there were a LOT of worries and high stress points. All while we're barreling through the night to a place we'd only learned about 5 days before, let alone been to. 

Along the way we were receiving text updates from Constance (the main caseworker) about how labor was going.  We kept updating her on our location as well. I later learned that this was really comforting to Elan's birth mom, knowing we were getting there as fast as we could. She was stressed about this all happening too soon and also scared about how the labor would go. It turns out that once she had been admitted and they were setting her up, they had put her on a low dose of pitocin, since she was hardly dilated at all. But then she sped up really fast. TOO fast! Around 1:00 we got a text that she was at a 6, and at 1:45 she was at a 9! She progressed so fast that they weren't able to give her an epidural, which was scary and painful for her. We were panicking--we were still an hour away! We got a lot of text updates about what was happening in the next 45 minutes, and with each ping of Collin's cell phone we dreaded that Constance would be telling us he had arrived. Sure enough, at 2:24am, we got the text. We were so worried about what would happen since we weren't there yet. And also really sad that we missed it. Come on, we were only 30 minutes away! I've since felt that there must really have been some good reason that he came early before we were there--who knows what it was but obviously it's something that happened for a reason. 

Anyway, we pulled into the hospital at 3:00. The ER entrance had our names and ushered us right up to labor and delivery. Elan was in getting tested, so we just got to see him from a distance through the nursery window. We went back to an empty patient room and waited with 2 of the caseworkers. They filled us in on how labor had gone and told us that his birthmom was struggling. She was really emotional, of course, and was having a tough time dealing with everything. We were so relieved to be there and knew we had done everything we could to get there quickly, but we also definitely had a lot of worry. I wanted so badly to be able to go see his birthmom and give her a big hug, cry with her, anything. But it wasn't the right time. She asked for one of the caseworkers to come talk with her, so then we were left with just one of them. Sitting there waiting, wondering if we would even actually hold this baby or end up being his parents. Time seemed to tick by SO slow. And also, it was 3:30 in the morning and we'd just driven 7 hours straight to get there. Exhaustion, emotion, a lot was going on. 

Finally, the delivery nurse came to get us. We went into the nursery and there followed one of the most magical 90 minutes of my life. There was an adorable little baby boy laying under the heating lights, calm as could be, eyes open, looking around. I went right over to see him, and just stood there staring at him. The nurse was putting ID tags on his wrist and ankle, and when she put matching tags on Collin's and my wrists, that's when I lost it. For real, getting tagged as this baby's parents here in the hospital, it all felt real. I couldn't believe it! Years of praying, fasting, waiting, wondering, hoping, all leading to this moment. I definitely felt blessed beyond measure.

We watched him continue getting checked out by the nurse, and then she wrapped him up and let us each hold him. I got to feed him his first bottle. The entire time he was completely chill, wide awake, just looking around. They actually stripped him down to make him cry and clear out his lungs a little more, because he was being so calm. I helped with his first bath and then we snuggled him some more. We had to decide on his name--so out came the list. We talked and talked about it. It was just us, the nurse, and Constance. Collin typed the names on his phone so we could see what they looked like with our last name. In the end the only name that felt right when we looked at his little face was Elan. He just looked like an Elan. It fit him perfectly. I really feel like he chose that name for us. We had always planned to have James (Collin's late dad) as his middle name, and there we had it! Elan James Robertson, born at 2:24am on Feburary 15, 6 pounds 5 ounces, 19 inches long. 

Finally some pictures!

Here we are as Collin held him for the first time. This was probably 4:30 am but we didn't care. Look at that tiny little miracle!

Before he even got a bath! He was so tiny.

Eventually they took us (and Elan) to what we found out was a hospital room just for us. We didn't even know they'd want us to stay there, but well, ok! I couldn't really believe that they just told us to feed him when he cried and then left us in there. Really? He was like, 2 hours old! I did not feel prepared to be in charge of him! But, well, here we were. When Collin went down to get our bags from the car, I had my first alone time with this sweet new spirit. I had a good cry and really just couldn't believe how my prayers had been answered. It felt too good to be true. 

We didn't get any sleep the rest of that night, of course. Nurses coming in, this and that, plus by the time we tried to sleep it was after 5:30am anyway. Hospital beds...not made for comfortable sleeping for healthy people. Ick. All of the first part of that morning, I still had big worry in the back of my mind. I knew his birth mom had been struggling so much after his birth. She was in a room down the hall, and she hadn't asked to see us yet. I couldn't imagine what was going through her head. I wanted to see her and give her my support and tell her how overjoyed we were, and also cry with her and tell her how awful and heartbroken I felt for her. But until we got word from her, we just waited. Waited and hoped that she was going to be ok with the decision she made. 

Finally around 10:30 I got a text from his birth dad asking if we'd come see them. One thing I think I forgot to mention was that another part of her birth plan was that she didn't want to see Elan or hear him cry. Even the minute he was born. She had told us this when we'd talked in depth with her a few days earlier at our house. She explained that she feels she gets attached really easily, and she had a great fear that if she saw him or heard him, she'd change her mind. She was so set on her decision, but also knew herself and was trying to foresee what problems might arise. I couldn't believe how much she'd planned to make sure she went through with this. It was amazing to me. I guess that when he was born she did hear him, but they did keep him away and she didn't see him. Again I wish I could describe how this brings tears to my eyes even now. What courage and bravery it must have taken, to give birth to this baby and to actually follow through with keeping her eyes off of him. Especially after such a rocky labor for her, which was definitely not in her plan. 

So anyway, the birth dad asked if I'd come see her, (he said ,"I know you're really busy with your new baby, but if you could come down and see us it would be nice. I think it would really help." ) LOL. As if we would EVER be too busy to spend as much time as we could with them! He also said that she still didn't want to see the baby. I quickly replied that of course I could come, it would be my honor. I got her care package from the car and went in to see them. I can't really put into words all the emotions that were present in my heart during that precious time with her. We cried together and laughed together. We hugged and hugged some more. She did want to know what we named him, and I'll never forget the smile on her face when I told her. She loved his name. So did his birth dad. She told me more details of what had happened when her water broke and during his delivery, and I told her about our crazy trip over in the middle of the night. Like I've mentioned before, Elan's birth mom has a real gift for articulating her emotions and explaining them. She described, with huge tears rolling down her cheeks, how incredibly difficult it was to be there in the hospital, recovering physically and emotionally, with empty arms. She had such yearning to have his little body to hold, and yet she was holding fast to the decision she had made. She kept reminding herself of all their life situation was right now, and why she had made this decision. But in that moment, I had the most awful guilt and sorrow. I can't even describe it. Having already gotten to know and love her before he was born made it so much harder than I thought it would be to have her baby placed with me. I knew he belonged in our family, and I was beyond grateful for this chance for our family to grow. But her grief and sorrow felt like my own. Here I was, overjoyed, down the hall with this sweet new baby, while she was dealing with her own recovery and leaving empty handed. It was almost more than I could handle. That entire day I had a lot of raw emotions on the surface. It felt so unfair. 

I was really glad that I had the big care package I had put together for her. She absolutely loved it, and I think it really did give her a little boost. Of course nothing much, but I think it helped. 

Collin later went in to visit them a couple of hours later, and then right after that they were able to go home. It was mixed feelings all day long, that's for sure. That coupled with exhaustion from not sleeping for almost 48 hours! 

We had expected to have to stay in the hospital for a couple more days, since Elan was technically born "late pre-term" at 36  1/2 weeks. But he kept passing all his tests with flying colors and doing so well, that they said we could go the next morning. What! Like, home? Yep, no need to stay. Apparently tribal law doesn't do ICPC, which is what kept us in Michigan with Ashlyn for 2 weeks. It was crazy. Getting discharge done at the hospital was kind of a mess and we were feeling a little worried about how this whole tribal adoption process would actually go down. But thankfully, a little before we actually left the hospital, Constance called and asked us to stop by her office to sign more papers on our way home. We spent a couple of hours there at the Tribal social services dept. offices getting fingerprinted, signing papers, and doing lots of things that made it all seem actually official. Thank goodness! And after that.... off we went! Elan was not even 48 hours old. CRAZY. We considered stopping and spending the night in Missoula, just so we weren't rushing so much to get home. But we ended up deciding to just go straight to Idaho Falls. We got there at about 10:30 that night. In hindsight I'll eternally be grateful that we did decide to go all the way to IF, because my dad left on a business trip the next morning. He was home when we got there with Elan, and got to meet him. He had his heart attack just 6 days later, and we didn't see him again before then. We continued on to Jerome the next day, and that was sucky. Real sucky. Ashlyn had come down with a nasty cold and I was so, so worried she'd get Elan sick. We had our Camry, and with having to feed Elan every 1-2 hours I had to ride in the back between the two kids. Let me tell you I am just too fat to sit between those two carseats, they were jammed into my ribs the whole time. We had to race to get to Twin Falls in time for Elan's dr. checkup, and made it there 2 minutes before. We had no luck trying to get in touch with the tribal caseworker about some questions and were having some big doubts and worries about how the legal process would work. And also not having slept more than about 2 hours at a time for the last 3 days was starting to wear on me. Anyway, it was a rough day. Back to the real world real quick. When we made it all the way home, oh yeah, I had barely begun setting up a nursery. So much work to be done when all I wanted to do was sleep and snuggle our new baby. And then with a 4 year old demanding attention too life got real quick. BUT we were ok and really had a great week once we got settled back at home. I look back at that week now as our little "baby honeymoon" with Elan and as a new family of 4, because really, they were blissful. Those were the only days we had before things went way south with my dad. Pure, pure happiness. And even after things got rough with my dad, having Elan balanced out so much sorrow. What crazy timing our Heavenly Father has. I'm so thankful for it, even if I don't know all the reasons.

And now for more pictures!

A few hours old!

Skin to skin-my favorite

Snuggling with dad--while watching the SNL 40 year show!

So tiny!

Our lovely hospital room

The view from our hospital room--it looks bad in the picture but it was really a beautiful view of Flathead lake.

On our way out of the hospital!

Proud parents of the cutest little bug!

Couldn't believe how tiny he was in his car seat. They had to do a test on him over night to test his heart rate and oxygen levels while he slept in the carseat, to make sure it was safe. Luckily he passed. It gave me peace of mind  for sure!

We took a wrong turn on our way out of town, and were glad because it led us straight to Flathead lake. It is SO beautiful. We're excited to go back and get to do more sight seeing.

Look at those hands--he took a few weeks to grow into them!

Awake as usual, and totally chill! This was right before we left the hospital. His going home outfit!

This is an extra-special picture. That is my dad holding Elan--the only picture I have of them together! And this is the first moment Ashlyn met Elan. So many special things.

The morning Ashlyn woke up to find us and Elan there, was her 4th birthday! What a great birthday treat, to get to hold her little brother for the first time. She was so excited.

First family photo.

Blurry...but Elan's first picture with Grandma.