I got on here to post about Father's Day but I don't think I can today. Sometimes it really bugs me when people post on social media how perfect their lives are going when really they aren't. Not that you always have to be a downer, but I don't think it's that bad to keep it real, folks.

So that's what I'll do today... keep it real. And hopefully brief. I have felt like I've been trying to run underwater ever since summer started. I guess once we reached the 8-month mark for waiting for adoption it seemed to get hard. We lucked out big time in getting Ashlyn so fast. (I know it was more than luck, truthfully.) While I didn't think we'd necessarily have that fast of an experience again, I guess in the back of my mind I definitely hoped it would work out somewhat quick again. It has been 14 months since I had the really strong prompting to immediately pursue adoption again... and for what? Sometimes (like now) I just feel like it's hard to keep swimming and hoping. There is absolutely no one looking at our profile right now. A little discouraging. Thankfully Collin is my rock and without him I don't know who would reassure me in all my tears time after time! But here's hoping. I'm sure we had that prompting for a reason. (right??)

Just when I felt like I could take advantage of the summer months in getting my mind OFF what I wish I had and ON what I do have--the most wonderful family and sweetest daughter in the world--by planning lots of fun summer stuff and keeping busy every day, and basically just enjoying our time together.... my world got rocked again. Believe it or not, after over 6 years of infertility, I found out I was pregnant. No freaking joke. This was 2 weeks ago. Since then I have ridden a rollercoaster of hope and disappointment, combined with no-fun medical procedures, medications, and doctor bills. I had an ectopic pregnancy. I was actually very very lucky in that I knew something was wrong almost from the beginning, and they caught it very early. I don't care to rehash the medical details on here because frankly I'm sick of explaining them to people, but I was really lucky and "only" had to be treated with chemotherapy to dissolve the pregnancy and didn't end up in emergency surgery. Not that that was any fun at all. There were 2 days in which the doctor told me it was a 50% chance it was a normal pregnancy, so waiting and finding out that it wasn't was hard. I have definitely had to take many deep breaths and remind myself to put on my big-girl panties. I really hate having to do that sometimes! It has not been fun, and it has been sad. (like I said, keeping it real!)

I don't feel sadness like I actually lost a "baby" because I was only 2-4 weeks along. I wasn't emotionally attached and I didn't even know I was pregnant until the day before they found out it was ectopic. But I do feel a lot of sadness because it seems like such a big, stupid joke. Did I not learn enough from all the health issues I've had over the past 13 years? Have we not waited long enough for a child and we needed to again be reminded that it's not easy to bring children into our family?? Did we not grow enough from the infertility rollercoaster we rode for 6 years???  I know that you're not supposed to ask WHY, but instead to as WHAT NOW. And I'm working hard on that. I'm not sitting around crying all day, at least. But I swear to you my hormones have been insane, or else I am just going insane. Poor Collin has definitely had to do his share of holding down the fort of emotional girls around here. I am continuing to work on having faith, and I really do have a testimony that things will work out for the best in God's time, not necessarily mine. It's just not easy to do that 100% of the time. And really, it has been an experience in which I have learned and grown a lot already, and I feel like I'm still in the middle of it. I have been reminded about who good friends are, how wonderful my family is, how wonderful our faith is, how beyond amazing my husband is, and much more. I will have to post more about that later. But that's enough for today.

Moving, Staying, Fixing

Aw, look at us. Proud first-time homebuyers on the day we closed on our first home! That was 5 years ago this month, believe it or not. Crazy! 

This post is about a few things. I will just number them as I go.

#1. We seriously, seriously considered moving to Utah a few months ago. Collin got offered a job at a brand-new high school that is opening this fall in Draper, and we really thought and prayed hard about it. I am just now realizing that I never really told anyone besides my family about this! ooops. Well, as you can see he didn't take it. We are still here. But to fill you in.... He got contacted about the job through connections he has down there, and they wanted him as their #1 guy. The process went quick and before we knew it, they were offering him the job. The only problem was, it was the exact same job he has here. Spanish teacher, and head wrestling coach. Same pay too. That is not bad, and really if things looked ideal for us to move down there it probably would have worked out. But at this point, Collin has put so many years of work into building his wrestling program here that he is finally able to enjoy some of the fruits of his labors. And he wants to do that a little longer. If he had taken the new job, he would have been starting over, again, completely from scratch. So that didn't seem like something to move for. Then there's the whole issue of my job--which brings in about 1/3 of our monthly income. Too much to just up and leave and move down there for what would essentially be a 1/3 pay CUT for our family until I could build up a studio again--which is not easy being the new person in town. Then there is the factor of our house--which is still currently appraised at a good $40k below what we bought it for, meaning there is not a good chance at us being able to sell it right now. So we'd have to work out renters, from a distance, which wouldn't be ideal either. The big possibility we were considering was moving in with Collin's mom (sort of--she has a huge garage/apartment she just completed right behind her house. So we'd not be completely living with her, just basically behind her), and having that be the way to cut the loss of my income, living mortgage-free for a year until we could find a place of our own down there. And really that wasn't hair-raising to me like I may have once considered it to be, at all! In fact, a lot of the details seemed to be working out so well that we thought this move might be what we needed to do.

You see, we want to end up closer to our families. We've already decided that. We love the Boise area so much, and we have so many friends here that feel like family. But the fact is, we are nowhere near any family, on either of our sides. Not even a distant cousin or aunt. It's a 4-hour drive to my family, and 5 hours to Collin's. We're pretty accustomed to making the trek and we do it all the time, but I think that having a kid has changed how we feel about some of this too. We want Ashlyn to get to spend time with her cousins and grandparents a lot--more than she gets to with us living this far away. And also, I would really love to have someone--anyone--that's family a little closer that we could lean on in times of need. And another big factor is simply the fact that Collin is so busy with his job during the season that I really, really have a hard time being on my own so much. Don't get me wrong, I really try to keep my big-girl panties on the whole season, but it is just lonesome sometimes. I love my friends and they are seriously the best--but they have their own lives too and most of their lives don't revolve around wrestling season! :)

 So for a while we had  already been thinking that we want to make our way east at some point, but we knew it would all depend on Collin finding a job. And this job really just fell into his lap. He was very interested--because at the time that they first contacted him, he was VERY unhappy with his employer. This is not a time I want to get into my neverending frustrations with the Idaho educational system, but let's just say Collin is a fair, hard-working guy and if he is fed up you know something isn't being treated fairly. At the time he was initially interviewing, he was pretty much set on taking this job because he wanted to leave his job here ASAP. BUT, in the weeks following before they finally offered him the job, his school district came out with an announcement that was the deal-breaker for him, which made this a harder decision.

And in the end.... he turned the job down. We fasted and prayed about it a lot, and felt like this wasn't the right time. And I was happy to be decided to be staying here! It will be really sad when (/if) we move away. Boise has been all we have ever known as a couple, and it has now been my home for 1/3 of my life! So, we're happy to still be here, and I am happy to see Collin continue to get some more success out of all the work he's put into building up the Centennial wrestling program as well. 

So there was the first item for you. 

#2. We had a lot of heated "discussions" if you will (heh) about our home and home repairs this spring. I guess I felt like, 5 years is really sort of a milestone. 5 YEARS! That's a good amount of time! Long enough, anyway, to really not have any excuses for not making some much-needed home repairs. I'm sure everyone I know has already guessed the #1 home repair I am referring to... because I have been complaining about it for years, ha ha! That is... our carpet! This carpet was old and brown and gross when we moved in. We cleaned it, and planned on replacing it, first thing. But something always came up. First it was the expense of our infertility treatments. Then it was the expense of adoption. Then it was medical expenses. There has always been something that has come up and kept us from forking out the money. Goes to show that we are not the dedicated "fixer-upper" homeowners we may have once assumed ourselves to be! But anyway, finally this spring we kind of "put our feet down" as far as getting our house fixed up a little. Or a lot. At this point, now that we know we'll be living here at least another year or two, it seems like a good time to really get some projects done so we can actually enjoy them for a little while before we move out of here! So we have bit the bullet, forked out some money, and decided to dedicate a lot of time!

This is the only "before" picture of the carpet I took..... it doesn't do complete justice for how old and yucky it was. I never played with Ashlyn in her room because I hated sitting on that carpet. 

The new carpet was technically my Mother's Day present. Truthfully, that is just because we needed an excuse to really do it, I think! We lucked out and Home Depot was having a sale on installation, which was good because we had 3 bedrooms we needed it in and they usually charge by the room. We picked out our carpet and I set up the installation..... stupidly, the last week of school! Why was I possessed to do that? who knows?!? It was crazy. If we had just waited  a few more days until Collin was home during the day, it would have been a piece of cake! But instead he was super busy finishing up his classes and having to get all his tests graded and grades in! Duh! So I did the majority of the packing stuff up and moving it out. And just to let you know.... I am VERY space-sufficient in our bedrooms! We have pretty much no storage in this house, therefore I make use of pretty much every spare inch. The closets are where all the food storage, blankets, office supplies, clothes, and whatever else, you name it, are kept. And under the beds are chock full as well. So, it was a lot of work hauling all that stuff out to our garage, furniture included, then ripping up the carpet and cleaning in prep for the installation. But it is done now and we love it! It makes our house seem like a nice place! :) And I'm happy to roll around on the floor with Ashlyn now.

Before: Bare floors the night before the new carpet installed, and After: with the new carpet!

An after-shot of the piano studio.... in bad light though. The carpet is lighter than it appears.

#3. Another project going on has been the doors. We were originally going to replace them all and reframe them, but that turned out to be way more work and money than we want to put in so we are just repainting them and replacing the hardware. This picture is of the paint but ignore the hardware--that hasn't been replaced yet. It got put on hold for the carpet project.

#4. And this final project is something that got started before either of the previous two--but it has also been put on hold now until the others get done! In other words... we are really getting in over our heads, ha ha! We have the fence half-stained and it looks so great. Can't wait for the other half to get done. I'll post pics of that... hopefully before the summer is over! :)

Fitness Challenge Results.....finally!

So, remember that fitness challenge I blogged about once and then never wrote anything about again? Well, it really did happen! I just keep forgetting to update on here about it! (plus, really, pretty much the only people who read this blog are the girls who did it with me!!)

But for those 3 others of you out there who aren't my sisters or sister-in-laws, I have some exciting news for you!

I WON!

Yep, me! If anyone was surprised, it was me. I never went into this challenge with an "in it to win it" attitude! I merely wanted some motivation to lose a few pounds and get into shape after the holidays and wrestling season ended. But it definitely seemed like some of the other competitiors *cough* everyone but Jodee *cough* brought their A GAME from day 1--which was a big surprise to me! And from that first week on, it was a constant battle weekly, often with more than one person with a perfect score! WOW! That is big time, folks! Because let me  tell you, working out 6 days a week? Getting at least 7 hours of sleep? Writing down everything you eat? Drinking at least 64 oz of water a day? And on top of all that, extra challenges like no sweets, not eating 3 hours before bed, no eating out, limiting media, and so on? Not easy tasks in my opinion! But we were all doing it, a lot! (yay for us!)

About 4 weeks in, I was doing pretty solid-- working out 4-5 days a week, eating way healthier, getting enough sleep, staying hydrated, and even rocking the bi-weekly "extra" challenges. But I was still in like 4th place! Some of those girls were really hard core! *cough* Megan and Andrea *cough cough* So I decided to really try to get a couple of perfect weeks in, just to not completely kick myself out of the race.

The biggest challenge for me was finding time to work out 6 days a week. But I started looking up some of those workouts you always see people pinning on Pinterest and trying them out, and also renting workout videos from the library! I would get up with Collin and do a workout like that before Ashlyn was even up. (which, if you know me, you know that getting up early to EXERCISE is like pretty much the ultimate sacrifice!)  I also started incorporating a workout into some of the things I would do with Ashlyn in the mornings--like running to the park with her in the jogger, playing for a while, then running back home. So between those things and my usual actually going to the gym to do cardio or aerobics classes 3 days a week, I was able to get those 6 workouts in. I'm not saying I liked it--it was really tiring and I felt like I was overexerting myself! Probably not the healthiest thing to do every single day if you're not really training for something....but because it was such a challenge I was also really proud of myself.

So after those couple of perfect weeks I had, I was back in the running for the grand prize (which was--let's not forget--$100!)! And at that point, there were only a few weeks left, and I felt like I had sacrificed so much of my time and energy that at that point, it would be stupid not to try to win. (which I'm sure the other girls felt as well. I mean really, 10 weeks was a long time to do this!) So I gave it my all and ended up finishing just ONE POINT ahead of our family's #1 game winner--Megan! Megan was so rock solid the entire time, perfect almost every week it seemed! I never thought I'd be the one in the end to make it to the top. But by the last 2 weeks I had started dreaming about what I would spend that $100 on and then it really motivated me!

Just to tell you how hard the last week was--we ended up adjusting the final "extra" challenge from eating a certain amount of fiber to not any eating out. And that was the WORST! The weather here took a huge turn for the nice and it was in the 80's almost all week. I mention that because it means that I was out and about literally all the time! And it was soooo hard to not have the option to stop for a diet coke, or to just grab lunch at the zoo, or to just pick up a pizza for dinner because it we wanted to go for a walk after dinner...that one was rough! I know that sounds so stupid but I guess that shows what a wimp I am and how big of a deal that First World Problem was to me! So after that I really felt like I earned that grand prize, because it seemed like big sacrifices that final week.

I was really happy to see how much "forcing" myself to be healthy with this challenge really whipped me into shape! I had a goal to lose 10 pounds by the end and I lost 8, which I think is definitely good enough and really helped me feel a ton better. I was also so happy to see how easy it was to run by the end--even though I never really incorporated running into my workouts besides our weekly run-to-the-park, which really was only running in .75 and back out .75 of a mile, so not enough to train at all. But the last 3 Saturdays of the challenge we went down to the greenbelt and ran--and both the last 2 runs I completed 5K in 30 minutes, which is as fast as I have ever run one even with running 3-4 days a week. So that was really fun!

All you Whittier girls, I am SO proud of us all! Awesome job ladies! Especially Hayley... who it is worth mentioning GAVE BIRTH literally the day the fitness challenge was over!!!!! Love you girls. And yes, the $100 got spent the week I got it. Thanks for asking. ;)

Selfies

This girl is OBSESSED with selfies. Any time I have my phone out I hear "piiiittuuurrrre? piiiittttuuuuuurrre? pweeeeeese?" until I turn on the screen-side camera and let her look at herself! I have quite a few hilarious videos too that I may try to upload. There are like hundreds of these pics on my phone (just on mine--Collin has his own collection too!) so I made a few collages to show you some of the best! She could sit and make faces at herself all day. 

I wonder what it would look like if I touched my eye? Or my nose? Or opened my mouth?

(the open-mouthers are popular, obviously) we also needed one with the "bwakets"

She has started wanting pictures with other things...like a book, a baby, etc.  (don't you love the "3 generations pic of me, her and the baby below? ha ha)

Sweet Baby Girl

Sweet Baby Girl isn't so much a baby any more! I can't believe how fast she seems to be growing up, and although it's sad to see her growing so fast it's also really fun all the things she is into these days and all the fun things we can do together.  It has been a while since I posted pics of her so prepare for a major overload!

Weekly tradition of going to Jamba

painting nails.... it's gone before it can even dry but she loooves it.

My 3 favorite people!

Ashlyn's little crew....love these babies!

This face was directed at  aunt Hayley!

Playdoh time...... mostly "squish whatever Mommy makes" time

A funny moment at the zoo!

Training her young....on the best movie ever! 

She always put her arms like this when she was swinging for a while?? funny.

Be still my heart!!

"wrapping" her leg like Daddy! 

Coloring with Kyra and Miles

We have been spending a LOT of time at the park... she was brave and went down the tube slide like 5 times one day!

This was on our way home from our last gymnastics class.... she was all smiles and had "so much fun" (despite like 5 tantrums and generally refusing to do anything) and I was thinking "praise the heavens, THAT''S over!!" 

Coloring on Daddy's white boards at school

Looking WAY too big!

Helping Daddy shave :)

Forced picture with Mom! Yep she still loves these!

We have used our zoo pass tons this spring, want to take advantage before it expires!  

There were like 20 penguins and she gave each one a kiss. So far hasn't come down with any communicable diseases thank goodness. 

Having a snack at the zoo

Crying about leaving the zoo

Family night at Costa Vida

Helping Mom cook!

She always finds the dirt and rocks and prefers to play with them over any actual kid toys!

Rocking out with uncle Alex on the piano... I love this one!

She is WAY into coloring these days. Whether with crayons, pens, pencils, on coloring books or paper (or important papers...oops.... with sidewalk chalk, or dry erase on the windows.... it is a constant request! I have to hide the crayons to keep them out of sight, out of mind sometimes!

This is the top activity at the park. Swinging! It drives me nuts because we have a swing in our own backyard. It's the ONLY outdoor toy we have! Yet all she ever wants to do at the park! And by the way, why aren't there ever any trees for shade anywhere near the swings?!?!

Deep conditioning her hair... I lucked out and got a big smile. Of course right after I took this she pooped in the tub which meant an added 20-30 minutes to bathtime..... not my favorite on a "hair" night. But her hair got SUPER conditioned which was a nice upside!

A new hairdo that took almost 3 days to complete...about 4 hours total. Ugh. I hope I can get faster. It has lasted 3 weeks though so it still was worth it.

"cooking" with Grandma!

Even though we're not in gymnastics class, we still do them at home!

I LOVE THIS! Of course you already read the story about how this "painting" turned out, as well as the rest of that day, ha ha

Ashlyn now insists on "walking" whenever we walk Lucy. It's good exercise for her, but at the snail pace we have to walk at it doesn't exercise Lucy much! Oh well. It's fun. This was a nice one on a Sunday morning, hence the PJ's.

She also LOVES to wear Mom and Dad's shoes! She is getting pretty good at walking around in them too!

SO funny! And I love little Addison in the background! ha ha ha!

Another hairstyle we've had recently.... not my favorite this time around. She pulled out the side twists EVERY DAY! Boo!

Coloring with sidewalk chalk in the back yard