ROBERTSONS INC.

I got on here to post about Father's Day but I don't think I can today. Sometimes it really bugs me when people post on social media how perfect their lives are going when really they aren't. Not that you always have to be a downer, but I don't think it's that bad to keep it real, folks.

So that's what I'll do today... keep it real. And hopefully brief. I have felt like I've been trying to run underwater ever since summer started. I guess once we reached the 8-month mark for waiting for adoption it seemed to get hard. We lucked out big time in getting Ashlyn so fast. (I know it was more than luck, truthfully.) While I didn't think we'd necessarily have that fast of an experience again, I guess in the back of my mind I definitely hoped it would work out somewhat quick again. It has been 14 months since I had the really strong prompting to immediately pursue adoption again... and for what? Sometimes (like now) I just feel like it's hard to keep swimming and hoping. There is absolutely no one looking at our profile right now. A little discouraging. Thankfully Collin is my rock and without him I don't know who would reassure me in all my tears time after time! But here's hoping. I'm sure we had that prompting for a reason. (right??)

Just when I felt like I could take advantage of the summer months in getting my mind OFF what I wish I had and ON what I do have--the most wonderful family and sweetest daughter in the world--by planning lots of fun summer stuff and keeping busy every day, and basically just enjoying our time together.... my world got rocked again. Believe it or not, after over 6 years of infertility, I found out I was pregnant. No freaking joke. This was 2 weeks ago. Since then I have ridden a rollercoaster of hope and disappointment, combined with no-fun medical procedures, medications, and doctor bills. I had an ectopic pregnancy. I was actually very very lucky in that I knew something was wrong almost from the beginning, and they caught it very early. I don't care to rehash the medical details on here because frankly I'm sick of explaining them to people, but I was really lucky and "only" had to be treated with chemotherapy to dissolve the pregnancy and didn't end up in emergency surgery. Not that that was any fun at all. There were 2 days in which the doctor told me it was a 50% chance it was a normal pregnancy, so waiting and finding out that it wasn't was hard. I have definitely had to take many deep breaths and remind myself to put on my big-girl panties. I really hate having to do that sometimes! It has not been fun, and it has been sad. (like I said, keeping it real!)

I don't feel sadness like I actually lost a "baby" because I was only 2-4 weeks along. I wasn't emotionally attached and I didn't even know I was pregnant until the day before they found out it was ectopic. But I do feel a lot of sadness because it seems like such a big, stupid joke. Did I not learn enough from all the health issues I've had over the past 13 years? Have we not waited long enough for a child and we needed to again be reminded that it's not easy to bring children into our family?? Did we not grow enough from the infertility rollercoaster we rode for 6 years???  I know that you're not supposed to ask WHY, but instead to as WHAT NOW. And I'm working hard on that. I'm not sitting around crying all day, at least. But I swear to you my hormones have been insane, or else I am just going insane. Poor Collin has definitely had to do his share of holding down the fort of emotional girls around here. I am continuing to work on having faith, and I really do have a testimony that things will work out for the best in God's time, not necessarily mine. It's just not easy to do that 100% of the time. And really, it has been an experience in which I have learned and grown a lot already, and I feel like I'm still in the middle of it. I have been reminded about who good friends are, how wonderful my family is, how wonderful our faith is, how beyond amazing my husband is, and much more. I will have to post more about that later. But that's enough for today.