Resurfacing

Wow it has been a crazy few weeks! Tonight I finally have a few minutes to waste some time blogging and checking up on facebook! :)
Anyway, I think the last few weeks really flew by. We are so blessed and things are going really well. I'm glad a lot of what made things crazy was traveling because of my sis's wedding, and having family come visit. Weddings really are so much fun!

The reason this week has been crazy was purely self-induced. And the craziness will continue through next week. I really have a hard time saying no when someone asks me to share my piano ability. Seriously, what is my problem? I guess in the split second after they ask me if I can help them out, I think something like, "it's just playing the piano, it would be stupid to say no." So I say yes. And really, it IS just playing the piano! Something I spend most of my time either doing, thinking about doing, or teaching anyway. But I have been reflecting alot about my relationship with "piano playing" this week as I have seriously been spending 5 hours a day at the piano playing, which means I have been pretty stressed about it. I think the reason I stress about when I have piano commitments is the reason I have worked so hard and been so successful in music in the first place. Ever since I started my very first piano lessons when I was in second grade, I have always been driven to perfection in regards to piano. (as my mom can attest---that is pretty much the only thing I've ever been a big perfectionist on! :) I really have always been an extreme perfectionist in it. And honestly I think that's what it takes to be successful in the music world. A love of the craft, and perfectionist drive. So I'm not sad about it....but I am frustrated. I have really, really felt like a super crappy pianist all week. I have gone to bed feeling really discouraged. I've been wondering why, given the fact that really, compared to most people, I've accomplished quite a lot musically. And I know I have the skills to succeed in the things I've been working on. Yet I really have felt like a big loser each day. The music I've been working on is definitely the hardest accompaniment I've ever had to learn in such a short time, but still shouldn't be that difficult for "someone like me," (I keep telling myself). So I think that because I have become so invested in piano with it being my job and total source of income, it sometimes makes me more of a freak about it than I need to be. Collin accused me of "taking on too much" (not accused in a mean way, just mentioned it in passing after I probably bit his head off about some little thing due to my completely over-stressed-ness), and I really don't think it's that I took on too much. Yes, it's 4 very challenging advanced violin accompaniments and an entire high school choir concert that I had only one week to learn, but really, once I learned an entire choir concert the night before the concert. It shouldn't be that big of a deal to me.

I've come to understand that my real problem is my perfectionist drive. I get super frustrated when I'm not doing the best. And having just 3 days to learn 12 advanced pieces for a high school obviously leaves room for improvement. Now that I've gotten more of a handle on them, I am feeling much better and not nearly so stressed. (plus violin festival was tonight...whew, that's overwith!) I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have had a tough week coming to terms with the fact that I'm my own worst enemy! And I wish I had a quick fix for that, but I feel like it's a paradox that I don't see a way I can stop.

Whatever.