ROBERTSONS INC.

I was planning to put together a fun post about the things I surprisingly like here. BUT it has been a difficult day and sorry but I am whining instead. I am struggling that is for sure. I knew this was going to be a tough change and transition. But I have also been trying my very hardest to stay optimistic. I mean, what else can you do, right? We've faced challenges before and I was planning to just keep the faith and stay cheerful through this big change as well. It is not going well! Today is a day I feel like quitting. I don't even know what I would quit though. Life? It's just one of those days that I feel like absolutely everything is working against me. Us. I feel trapped. I am stuck at home all day and night, with no where to go to get away except the seedy YMCA I work out at a few times a week. That is literally my only escape right now, since it's not like I have any friends to go out with, calling commitments, or really anything of importance I've been asked to here. We are working our way out of a little debt we accumulated over the summer since my income suddenly stopped 2 months before Collin's increased one started, so we don't have extra money for me to shop, which is the only option for a getaway in the evening. Even if I was to go to the store, unless I want to go to the awful Walmart here in town I've got to drive into Twin for any decent commercialism-therapy. Also, I don't feel like I can leave Collin at home alone very much. He has struggled a TON with this transition. Like, more than with anything before in his life. He really gets himself psyched out and worked up and stressed when he has too much time left alone taking care of Ashlyn or just alone alone. We are talking he has been seeing a doctor. His mind is playing crazy tricks on him right now. It's hard to see hims struggle like this. So I try to make myself available to him here when he gets home. He usually likes to vent all about his crazy, stressful job and the crazy, stressed out people he works with the entire time we have together. I'm working to be as supportive as I can and right now that means listening to a bunch of big problems with no solutions and getting really depressed about how hard his job is. Ashlyn has, of course, been absolutely trying my patience and sanity in every way. She ripped the bookshelf out of her wall leaving gigantic holes in the sheetrock and scratched the paint with the screws yesterday. Don't forget this house is a rental. She colored on her door with non-washable crayons. Stuff like that has been happening. And the biggest thing that I am pulling my hair out about is potty training. She did really well with it for a few weeks but the last like 3 weeks have been a steady downward spiral..... again. This is the 3rd freaking time we have gone the rounds with potty training. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. She seems really enthusiastic about it and catches on so quick, and then it's like the novelty wears off and she just stops caring. I cleaned up 3 pee messes and 2 poop messes today. That is ridiculous! And she stopped wearing diapers like 5 weeks ago! So now I have the stupid decision of whether to keep trying with this or just go back to diapers. It's not that she's lacking attention. I have been making sure to spend time down on the floor playing with her each day, we have been going fun places just for her, we read stories together to no end, and I have even been doing some little "preschool" times with her. Speaking of our time together, that is hard for me. I have never not had a job before, even as a mom. I always at least had that escape where I could focus on something besides the neverending challenge of parenthood. Well that has been taken away, and I have no escape. Ashlyn stopped napping before we even moved here, so I have no break from her all day. Then Collin comes home and it's like a second kid to take care of in some ways, he is just really fragile right now and I want to make sure I'm helping the best I can. But it is getting HARD! Like, tears every day. People here have been friendly enough.....not overly so and I definitely haven't connected with any other moms or made really any friends. I've tried my best to do everything I can to get out there so I don't have any excuses for not making friends. But it's a slow process. I was holding out hope that I'd get a calling that would get me working with some other people and be able to make some friends that way. Well I just got a calling--ward organist. Completely solo gig. Isolating, actually. I can't even sit with my family for most of sacrament meeting. Sorry to whine but I was bummed, big time. I had to hold back my tears as we talked to the bishopric counselor. I know I'm being a baby, but it was depressing. I pray every day for someone to reach out to us, or for me to be lead to a friend. Our next door neighbors haven't even bothered to come over and introduce themselves, they are both families with kids and we have now lived here 6 weeks. I guess we hoped for a little more friendly reception?? Were we dreaming and that just doesn't happen anymore? We did it in our neighborhood in Boise! Anyway, as for Collin, he hasn't been called for anything at all yet in church. Not like you ever want to beg for a calling, but it really would be nice to feel like we had a purpose and a place to fit in in the ward. He needs to make some friends too. Not having wrestling coaches to spend his spare time chatting with has been mega-hard on him. And then there's the neverending struggle I have of the continued wait for our family to grow. We just began working on the process to renew our homestudy again. That sucks bad enough that another year has gone by with no baby, but add in that our agency is dropping their adoption program and unless we get matched with a birthmom by Dec. 31, we will most likely end up having to pay upwards of $25,000 for whenever an adoption does come our way, well, it's hard not to worry, cry, and generally feel incredibly frustrated. And again I can't help but keep taking stock and wondering why on earth it is our lot to have to continue to wait so long and feel such sadness in longing for our family to grow. That has been a trial for me for the past 2 years for sure as we've waited and waited,  but even 7 years before that it's been a big challenge for me. Now it continues but in a strange place where I have no friends to chat with, no options or money for retail therapy, and not even a Sonic to get a milkshake at!
We've only been here 6 weeks. I'm sure things will improve. I just feel SOOOO uprooted. Like, homeless. Going to visit family... is fun and great. But it's visiting. Going back to Boise is also so great, to see our good friends and feel like we're home. But we're not home there. We're visiting again. Whenever we've been traveling and we come back home to this place, I have like a breakdown and am in the most rotten mood the whole rest of the day. Because I don't feel like I'm home at all. This doesn't feel like home at all. I know that comes with moving and I'm sure you are rolling your eyes. But I guess I'm just saying I feel pretty hopeless right now. Beyond the typical actual "moving" adjustments, my small mind is really just feeling like everything in my world is crashing. I know things could be a lot worse, but I'm having a hard time finding things to keep me going or to even try to look forward to. I dread the next day....and the next day...and even the rest of whatever day it currently is. I am trying to keep myself busy with projects and whatever, but again, I'm home alone  with a 3 year old all day so my options are limited and besides that, there's only so many projects I even have to do right now, with no legit calling and no job, a small house that doesn't need any more decor, and well what else can I do?

Ok well I'll stop the whining now. I probably will not even leave this posted for long. But if you read it.... don't feel like I'm looking for pity. I just needed to vent and typing is easier than writing in my journal. (which believe me has also gotten filled lately) Anyway, thanks for listening. We all have our own trials we're going through right now and I know each of you who read this know I think and pray for you often.