Change of Plans

Lara had warned me from the beginning that the reservation social services system (Tribal Social Services, or TSS if you want to get technical) wasn't exactly the most efficient OR the most advance-planning organization. She said that we'd probably get a lot of vague information, wait a long time for phone calls to be returned, and that plans would often change at the last minute. Great, I thought! Just what an uptight, planning freak like me loves to deal with. :) But hey, in a situation like this, I was like, who cares!

So I shouldn't have been surprised when during church Lara called to say that she was picking them up from the airport (as previously planned), and that they had decided to just come straight to visit us that night as well as the next morning (definitely not previously planned). I think I mentioned already that I had been planning to do a lot of cleaning and shopping before they came to visit the next day. And now here I was with 3 hours to get dinner ready for 6 (the couple came with 2 social workers), and get my house looking good. This was a really important visit! The most important ever!!! Lara and I talked for about 10 minutes about what the game plan would be. At this point she didn't know if they were renting a car or expecting a ride, if they were going to want to come straight to our house or get a hotel first, she was flying blind, but was still set on trying to steer them towards us as much as possible. (if I haven't said it like, 10 times already, there is a special award waiting for Lara in heaven for this. No doubt.) Apparently the reason they had changed their plans was that she had finally been able to talk on the phone with the main caseworker the night before, and had been able to make plain how strong she felt that this couple needed to meet us. The caseworker had said, "well if that's really how you feel, why are they even coming to visit you? They should just spend all their time with this other family." Good news for us, but also scary! I wanted everything to be perfect for their visit. And I had just lost the time I needed to get things that way! I know that sounds trite, but after all this time of waiting, actually having birth parents come to our house was such a huge deal to me! I was kind of freaking out. Excited, but freaking out.

I had to calmly walk back into sacrament meeting and quietly explain to Collin what was going on. He needed to be ready to head right over to Boise to pick them up if that's what they decided to do. We didn't hear from Lara for another 45 minutes. Also, that Sunday was our ward's fast and testimony meeting, since we had stake conference the weekend before. So guess what we were fasting for, again. I was emotional, of course. Emotional and still feeling like I was doing all I could, and that it was out of my hands. We just got short texts from Lara explaining that she was driving them over to Twin Falls, and asking if it was ok for them to come over for dinner. Collin was on the phone with her off and on over the next hour getting hotel reservations worked out, and setting up when he would go pick them up at their hotel in Twin to bring them over for dinner. This all seemed crazy!

One thing I'd like to add in is what actually happened at the airport when Lara met them. She wasn't able to share this with me until a few hours later when she was driving back to Boise. But when she met them and began to talk with them, it became clear to her that their caseworker hadn't really told them anything about us. All they had been told was that there was a second family in the mix, and that they were going to have to choose between two families. The expectant mom was really concerned about this. She was so worried about hurting one family and didn't know how she was going to choose. This is another part where you get to hear why I know Lara will be honored in heaven for this: She flat out told them, through her tears, that she felt her family was complete. She would be honored to take this baby into her family if they definitely felt she should, but that she knew without a doubt that there was another family that was a more perfect fit. She asked them, as a perfect stranger, to trust her and take a chance on meeting this other family. My family. As I know it had been the whole time, the Spirit continued to work in the hearts of all of the people there at that moment. The expectant parents felt relief at hearing that Lara was bowing out, and felt hopeful at meeting our family. But they were still of course worried about what we would be like. They hadn't so much as seen a picture of us. (ugh) Lara texted me for our blog address and was able to show them a few pictures of us on the way to Twin. She hardly knows us herself, so she didn't really have much to share about our family with them! I think it was sort of an awkward quiet drive.

 I couldn't get home fast enough after church! The minute I got in the door I felt like I had a thousand things to do and not enough time to do them. Collin had to stay after for almost an hour, like usual. When he got home I raced to Walmart to pick up stuff for dinner! The most important meal ever!! I had so much adrenaline and so many nerves going. We were fasting (again--it was legit fast Sunday this time) and later we talked about how neither of us even noticed that day. We wouldn't have been eating anyway. So, I somehow managed to get the house as ready as I could and a decent dinner ready by the time Collin went to Twin to pick them up from their hotel. I was sick waiting for them to get back! So, so, so nervous. Also, I was so glad it was Collin who went to pick them up! He is better at sincerely chatting and small talk with people he doesn't know. I know I would have just chattered on in my nervousness!

They all arrived (this was the expectant parents, and 2 lady caseworkers), and I met them as they came in the door. Should I hug them? Shake hands? I don't actually remember what we did, I think we just said hi. I felt SO awkward. But tried my best to be warm and welcoming. Dinner was all ready so we got to eating. We all just chatted small talk, like about families, where everyone was from, you know. It reminded me of having the missionaries over. Except this time, everyone was avoiding the huge elephant in the room. You know, the fact of what was going on with this baby they were expecting! No one brought up anything about it during dinner. I sure as heck wasn't going to be the one to do it, and I think everyone was thinking that same thing. Elan's birth mom was really quiet at first but she warmed up and ended up telling us a good amount about herself. I really liked the two caseworkers, they were really friendly and helped out a lot with keeping the awkwardness at bay! Ashlyn also did nothing but charm everyone, like usual. She was so chatty and telling our guests all they wanted to know about her and our family, and more. Thankfully she was in a really chipper good mood and was having a lot of fun sitting there entertaining everyone.

Thankfully, once we were finishing up dessert (you better believe I had made a cake and gotten ice cream!), one of the social workers said, "well, if the four of you would like to talk, we (she and the other worker) will step into the other room and give you some time together." Sigh of relief/stroke of panic! We all actually ended up sitting in the living room, since that's the only place with comfortable seating in our house..... the social workers entertained Ashlyn and gave us some space to talk. This is when probably the most amazing moments happened.

We got to chat with these two wonderful people for about an hour. They talked first, and got right down to business. It was really all Elan's birthmom. She asked us if we were 100% decided on adoption. (insert HUGE laugh here.... it's only been how long we've been dying for this to happen now??) Of course she got giant reassurances from us. She explained the story of why she was in this situation. She and the birthdad had been together for over a year. They had been through a lot together and were finally getting onto their feet. When she found out she was pregnant, she felt total panic that all their hard work to get to where they were would be gone when they had another mouth to feed. She even called to set up an abortion, but when she talked with the clinic, she had a horrible feeling and just couldn't go through with it. So adoption had pretty much always been the plan. There were a lot more details that she told us, but those are special that only Elan will know, and he can share when he wants to.

As she described so much of the story of how she had come to be there with us, tears streamed down our faces. Hers as well. It was such a sacred moment as we got to hear so much about her selfless love for this sweet baby she was carrying. All the things that she had been lead to do and the feelings she had had, to us were just confirmation after confirmation that she had been lead by the Spirit to where we were now.

To add to the already amazing experiences of her telling us this baby's story, she began to explain that she already felt beyond happy about placing her baby with us. Seeing our house, how we treated each other, and how happy Ashlyn was, she used the word "joyful" to describe how relieved and happy she felt. The whole point of this trip was for her to be able to see where this baby would live, what family he would be with. And as she described in detail so many of the things she felt she already admired about us, I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed with emotion yet again. Here I had been worrying about dusting off the piano and vacuuming under the couch, and the things she noticed were the feelings in our home, and how we treated each other. Again in my heart I know that the Spirit was confirming to her that this was the family for her baby. It was amazing. Words really can't describe how special that evening was with them.

As I had mentioned earlier, Lara had found out at the airport that this couple knew almost nothing about us. So before they left that night, I spent like 20 minutes printing out our entire adoption blog! Used up all our ink, but hey I would have used up 20 ink cartridges for them. In that moment all the hours I often felt I wasted working on that stupid blog felt worth it 1000 times over! I was able to print it all out and staple it together, and give them a book about our family. They were so excited to see it and were already reading through it and laughing at some of our pictures before they left. They had told us that, just with meeting us that evening, they already felt very sure this was the right place for this baby. Their social workers encouraged them to take our little blog book back to the hotel and discuss things further, and then tell us what they were thinking in the morning. By that point we had been through such an emotional rollercoaster in a matter of a couple of hours, I was just like, yeah whatever, we'll do whatever you need, you take whatever time you need. So, when they left that night, we had plans to pick them up to spend more time together the next morning, and they'd tell us if they'd made a decision then.