Adoption Talk

It's another one of those rare adoption posts from me! I was reading a new adoption blog I came across: JamieIvey.com, and it reminded me of some of the things I always want to share with others but don't think of it, and don't really know how either. Just the very basic thing of talking about adoption around a kid who's been adopted. (also families who have adopted) I feel like already in our 3 1/2 years together as a family we've probably fielded pretty much every question out there--both well worded and completely offensive! ;)  We decided a long time ago to laugh about the ignorant things people ask/say to us rather than get upset, and we hope that example will show to Ashlyn someday as well. So don't think you've ever offended us or said anything wrong. I just like to share because I think education and awareness are important!

Jamie Ivey shared a little about adults answering questions kids ask about kids who are adopted:

" . . .[Our adopted children] didn’t sign up to be spokespeople for adoption, so we never want to put that on them, and we’d appreciate if you let them lead the way on how much they do and don’t want to share. Kids are super curious and we get that, but sometimes all the questions “who is your real mom” “do you know your real mom” “do you miss your old family” can really hurt a child. I have heard all of those and as an adult I can answer them easily, but sometimes my kids start to shut down over those questions. So, if you hear those questions I’d love it if you[, their teacher, friend, or family member,] stepped in and helped them out.

For example:

“Who is Amos’ real mom?”

His real mom is Jamie. Do you mean his birth mom? Yes, his birth mom lives in Haiti. But he lives with his real mom.

“Did Deacon’s mom not want/love him?”

Well Deacon’s birth mom (or first mom – we say first mom a lot) did love him, but she couldn’t take care of him, so she asked Jamie and Aaron to be his parents and love him forever.

“How can you be Story’s mom because she is black and you are white?

Well, I adopted Story when she was a baby, and we think God can make families that look different and they are still families."

And there is this good old chart provided by LDS Family Services (itsaboutlove.org).  

The words we use while talking about adoption can send unintended messages. When writing about or discussing adoption, please consider using language from the right-hand column.

Negative Terms	Preferred Terms
Gave up her child for adoption	Placed her child for adoption
Real parent; natural parent	Birth parent, biological parent
Adoptive parent	Parent
His adopted child	His child
Illegitimate	Born to unmarried parents
Adoptee	Child who was adopted
To keep	To parent
Adoptable child; available child	Waiting child
Foreign adoption	International adoption
Track down parents	Search
Unwanted child	Child placed for adoption
Is adopted	Was adopted

And finally, I can't help but add this link, I think I shared it a couple of years ago on facebook so sorry if you've already seen it. But it's a good one, watch it! (click on sentence or watch right here!)

If you wouldn't say it about a boob job, don't say it to an adoptive family.