1. I have STRUGGLED with waiting so long for our next child. Not like you probably haven't already gotten that sense from me. But it's true. I don't know what I expected when we embarked on this second adoption journey. But it wasn't having to wait 4 months for the money to even start the process, then to wait a full year (so far) after our approval with literally nothing going on. We were contacted by one birthmom back in January, and that was it. For real. Nothing. else. at. all. (although our profile has been viewed over 800 times. Is that better or worse news?!?) In the time since we have been approved I have seen 8 of my close friends have babies and 3 more good friends be chosen for adoptions. I am literally surrounded by babies. Don't get me wrong, I love that! It's nice to get to spend time with babies! But it's also in my face, all the time, that for some reason, I am not getting in on this joy that it feels like pretty much everyone around me is. I really don't want any of my friends to feel awkward reading this. I promise I'm not filled with loathing thoughts whenever I'm around you--heck no not at all! But in the grand scheme it's worth mentioning that I do feel like I'm at my prime baby-having age and it's just not happening, and it's hard. We really did just pay to renew our homestudy, and that finishes up in the next 2 weeks. It has been depressing getting to this point. This really isn't something that consumes me every day. I love our life and how everything is in our wonderful little family. I am generally happy and optimistic about the future. But this is also something that seems to be constantly on my mind. Especially the last couple of months--since I had really, really been hoping we wouldn't be one of those couples that has to renew at the 1-year mark. So maybe that has made it seem more urgent to me. Not that it matters since nothing happened! :) And now that we're actually renewing, I'm kind of like, "well, whatever. since we just paid our $340 we might as well get a few more months out of this." But that said, the birthmom out there who has/will have our next child, gets prayers from me every day.
2. This is still about #1. But it's a little more positive! I went to an adoption class about a month ago, just to keep me going, you know? And the main point everyone kept talking about was how important "confirmation" is. And it was a big reminder and strengthener to me--that that is what matters. And what came to my mind was the strong, strong, strong confirmation I got that we needed to pursue adoption again, clear back in April of 2012. There's not a doubt in my mind that we are on the right path, at least.
3. This is also sort of about #1. After that same class I attended that I mentioned in #2, I sat in the parking lot and bawled my ugly cry for a good 20 minutes. I was just so overcome with emotion, and mainly just feeling like I was swimming in a lot of turmoil as far as knowing what my purpose as a mother is and blah blah blah.... a lot of stuff that I won't bore you with. I was emotional. Just like I have been like, at any given time in the past 8 months. What is my problem anyway?!? I'm a woman, that's what! So anyway, it was a low, low night. Uplifting in some ways, but I was feeling mostly pretty low. I drove the long way home so I wouldn't look like a complete train wreck when I got home to my dad (who was visiting) and Collin. When I got home and opened up the computer, I was handed one of the hugest tender mercies: Ashlyn's birthmom had gotten in touch with me! (I hadn't heard from her since before Ashlyn turned 1.) The next week was filled with communication back and forth with her. I cried as I read her emails, and she cried as she read our adoption blog and the wonderful things we said about her on there. We caught up and sent love to each other. It was a really sacred, special time for me. And I know that Heavenly Father was deliberate in his timing. It seemed to be just what I needed in that dark time. Being able to get in touch with the woman who means so, so much to me, and has a connection with me that no one else does. She is Ashlyn's other mom, the woman who made our family possible, who sacrificed more than I can comprehend to make sure Ashlyn got all she deserves. I have so, so much love for her that my heart seems to overflow with it. Being able to share life with her has meant so much to me. It really lifted me up and rounded out my life at a point that I really needed it.
4. Ok, no more adoption talk. (I'm sure you're relieved!) Other things that are going on around here are... I have been sick! I got so sick for like 2 weeks. This is annoying for many reasons. Is being sick ever not annoying? Anyway, this time was a combination of so many weird things I wasn't sure what was wrong. This time was bad enough that I even went to clear liquids for a couple of days, and then had nothing but Boost for a couple more days after that. My doctor was of no help and just ordered like every expensive, difficult test there is. I prayed hard that I would start to feel better because our insurance doesn't cover the tests and I had a feeling they wouldn't find a whole lot more out. With my complicated medical history I often can figure out what's wrong more accurately than the drs and this was one of those times that I didn't think they knew what they were talking about. Too bad I didn't know what was wrong either! But anyway, thankfully after 2 weeks I have slowly but surely felt a little better each day this week. Finally Thursday was the first full day that my stomach didn't have cramps all day. Hallelujah! So here's hoping things keep going up hill and whatever was wrong doesn't come back!
5. So this is sort of an extension of #4. I signed up for a 5K with my friend back in August.....and it is next weekend! Well guess how much I have run since I've been feeling so crappy? Big fat zero. That's been almost 3 weeks! And also, this isn't just a regular 5K, it's one for moms with strollers. Boy I am so screwed! Oh well.
6. I am in the crazy, insane, super busy, nightmarish throes of my first (of two) year as chairperson for the IMTA Sonatina Competition. Just shoot me now. I have spent at least an hour emailing every day in regards to this--along with phone calls, processing payments, sorting out registration, assigning committees, communicating with the 10 judges, working out hotel reservations and food details, ironing out BSU reservations, parking, and catering, etc. etc. etc. etc. And I think, "why am I doing this??" It's a long story but it was the lesser of two evils as far as taking a volunteer position. And it was 2 years ago that I agreed to do it. Anyway, back to the details about this, there are 400 students signed up. 45 teachers from around the valley participating. 10 judges, 7 of which fly in from all over the northwest. It's a competition, taken pretty seriously. It's on Nov. 2, and although I'm terrified of being in charge of such a huge event, I'm also counting down to it being over!!!
7. I finally can't think of anything else! Well, I guess I could give some thoughts about the whole Obamacare thing and the government shut down, but let's keep politics out of this, and it's also way too late for me to get all fired up. Thanks for listening!
4 comments:
Tuna, I cried reading about you being able to talk to Ashlyn's birth mom! That is so amazing and such a huge confirmation that Heavenly Father is more than just aware of what is going on in our lives. I pray for you guys every day. I loved all these posts! And of course agree with Paul and Cory being the weirdest, and Jodee the nicest. Ha ha oh our family.
I hope you know your you and your family are always in my prayers. What a neat experience with Ashlyn's birthmom. Great posts Tonya, I LOVE how real you are when you blog. You are going to do AWESOME at the push 5K. We're going to have lots of fun.
Oh Tonya... I don't know what to say. I'm sorry that I have been partly the cause of emotions these past few months. It is so bitter sweet for me....just like you know adoption is...so grateful for my little miss, but heartbroken for my good friend whom I love and know is hurting. I think of you often and pray for you always. I love you and hope that you still feel like you can talk to me about that stuff. I know those adoption emotions that you feel, even when you don't want to, and I don't in any way judge you for them. I look forward to the day when I can celebrate the arrival of your little one! (ok...done with the emotional vomit). So awesome about Ashlyn's birthmom! I know how much you wanted that relationship! And so sorry you have been so sick. :( Wish I was there to bring you "clear liquids"! AND last but not least... good luck on your big piano thing. You are going to be awesome! Love you friend! Take care and keep in touch.
Ton, you are certainly one of the strongest women I know. I will never understand all of the many struggles that come with adoption, the least of which is just dang not being able to have a baby right when you want to!
But I will also never understand all of the pure, true joys that come from having that particular kind of bond with your children and their birth mothers/families. It is something so, so amazing to have the privilege to read about on your blog!
Honestly, I like reading your rant posts. I can't believe how strong of a person you are to have endured through so much already. It may be cheesy, but I know those are things that are making you better and tougher and more prepared to enjoy exaltation and happiness forever with your family. We all have our own unique trials that can strengthen us that way, but I can't help thinking that yours are making you stronger than some of us will ever have the chance to be!
Okay, probably more appropriate things to say in an actual face to face conversation instead of in a comment on a blog! But then I absolutely would have cried!
We love you guys so, SO much and are praying for you and that special birth mother every single day.
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